Death and Gratitude

It seems that out of everything, comes something good.

I attended the funeral of my brother-in-law this week. During the sermon, his past life was recalled. Where he was born, his high school, his military experience, his occupation. The pastor went on to discuss the things that he enjoyed in life. What his favorite hobbies were. How he loved farming, and enjoyed looking at the sunsets. The time he spent with his kids, the vacations, the trials, the joys. I was amazed at how little I knew about my brother-in-law!

Many times we don't slow down enough to appreciate the life of those we care about.

I was reminded of my own pain, the pain of my son's death some 25 years ago. I will never,- ever forget the pain of holding my dying son in my arms. Seeing his face, stroking his hair... I'll never forget the last time his eyes looked at me as if to say, "it's okay, dad!"

I will never forget, that as my son's life drifted away, the world kept going. People kept going about their daily routines. As I drove home from the hospital, I remember people cutting others off in traffic and honking their horns. Did they really appreciate the gift of life they still had?

This was a life-changing event that I will be eternally grateful for. Looking back on my son's death is hard, but seeing what came to me because of that event, I can see that I'm truly blessed.

Before my son's illness, I was consumed in the material world. I went to work to make as much money as I could, to buy material things that I would soon become disappointed with. And the cycle would start anew. I did not take time to appreciate all that I had. Not a single moment. I was seeing happiness in how much I could achieve, acquire and consume.

My son Matthew's death opened my eyes and changed my life forever. I began to see life differently. Matthew showed me how to appreciate every moment of life. I enjoy every new day, every sunset. I appreciate those lives I encounter. It was by slowing down and appreciating, that I found the greatest gift of life- gratitude!

Gratitude has enabled me to live a fulfilled, happy life.

Another's death is our opportunity to appreciate and enjoy everything that we've been given. Death, though final, gives new life to those who survive. If we live a life of gratitude,- abundance and joy will be ours.

----------------------------------

I will always be grateful.

Thank you for this beautiful day. Thank you for the beauty of all natural things.

Thank you for the people I will encounter this day. Thank you for all the things that I will learn from them, and for the joy they will bring into my day.

Thank you for my family. Thank you for my wife who has brought me countless joys. Thank you for my children, who without, my life would be incomplete. Thank you for all the laughs and conversations. Thank you for the trials and what we have learned from them.

Thank you for who I am. Thank you for the talents you have given me. Thank you for the experiences that my talents have brought me.

I will always be grateful.

Thank you for the gift of life.

Should I no longer be able to work, I will be thankful for all of the talents I was given.
Should I no longer be able to walk, I will be thankful for all the times I was able to run, jump and laugh.
Should I no longer be able to see, I will be thankful for all the beautiful sights I’ve seen.
Should I no longer be able to feel the wind on my face, or feel the warmth of the sun, I will be thankful for days that I was given to enjoy.
Should I no longer be able to be with a loved one, I will be thankful for all of the precious moments we had together.
And on my deathbed, I will be thankful for the wonderful life I was blessed with.

I will always be grateful.

-----------------------------------

Gratitude is a gift that can not ever be taken from us. It helps us to appreciate what others that have died, have done for us. It helps us to remember the special moments and joys that the deceased have brought into our lives. Through gratitude, our loved ones never die, but live on forever in our memories and prayers of thanks.

Thank you my son Matthew, for showing me the gift and joys of gratitude.

The Science of Happiness and Gratitude

As I'm sitting here today, snowed in from the first snowfall of the season, I came across some interesting studies done about happiness and our constant search for happiness.

Happiness is a very individual thing. Happiness is hard to define and it's tough to describe where it comes from. Sometimes doing that special thing will make us happy, sometimes doing nothing makes us happy. Sometimes it's something we've bought, someone we've met, a special moment in our lives or something that's given to us, that helps define our happiness.

So what is the real science of happiness? Psychologists tell us a big chunk of our happiness is genetic. In fact, 50% of our happiness is in our genes, over which we have no control. But the good news is that the remaining 50% we do have control over. Things like how well educated we are, how old we are, how wealthy we are, how wealthy the country we live in is, how religious we are and whether we are married or not. All of these things can play into our level of happiness. Generally speaking, the more money we have, the smarter we are, the older we are, being religious and being married should put us at a happier state than most people. But while these things matter, it's surprising how little they matter. A study done by psychologists Sheldon and Lyubomirsky (2007) estimate that the importance of these things to be only 10% of the total picture. That's not much compared to the 50% we merely inherit. So what can we really do to be as happy as we can be? The answer seems to be in our everyday activities. It's what we do on a daily basis that can really determine how happy we will be.

Psychologists have determined that happiness is therefore 50% genetic, 10% circumstancial and 40% daily activity. Daily activity is a big part of our happiness. So this is what psychologists say are 3 happiness enhancing activities we can work on daily:

1. Develop and maintain a strong, positive self image.
2. Be willing and participate in helping others.
3. Experience Gratitude.

Here's what the PsyBlog tells us we can do to work in each of these areas.
(http://www.spring.org.uk/2007/11/3-happiness-enhancing-activities-with.php)

1. Visualising your best possible self.

Visualising your best possible self may sound like an exercise in fantasy but, crucially, it does have to be realistic. Carrying out this exercise typically involves imagining your life in the future, but a future where everything that could go well, has gone well. You have reached those realistic goals that you have set for yourself.

Then, to help cement your visualisation, you commit your best possible self to paper. This exercise helps draw on the proven benefits of expressive writing.

The effectiveness of this activity was tested in a study by King (2001). Students were asked to write about their best possible future selves for 20 minutes over 4 consecutive days. This group was compared with one writing on a neutral topic, one writing about traumatic life events and another writing about both traumatic events and their best possible future selves.

The results showed that those who had only written about their best possible selves showed greater improvements in subjective well-being compared to all the other groups. The benefits of the exercise could even be measured fully five months later.

Since the results were so encouraging after only a four-day exercise, two other studies have investigated longer periods. Sheldon and Lyubomirsky (2006) and Dickerhoof et al. (2007) carried out studies over 4 and 8 weeks respectively. Both of these backed up the previous findings.

2. Helping others

...helping others is beneficial to the self. Helping out at a soup kitchen, volunteering on a helpline, visiting shut-ins - all are certainly virtuous activities. But isn't helping others for no tangible personal benefit too much like self-sacrifice?

Actually, the research suggests there's a very good selfish reason to help others - it really does seem to make us happier. In one study students were asked to perform five acts of kindness each week for six weeks (Lyubomirsky, Sheldon & Schkade, 2005). These were things like writing a thank-you note, giving blood or helping a friend with their work. Students were told either to perform one act each day or all five acts on one day.

Both experimental groups showed a better outcome than the control group whose well-being declined over the six-week period (perhaps exams were looming!). Those who performed their acts of kindness each day showed a small increase in well-being.

But the highest well-being was seen in those students who carried out all their acts of kindness on one single day on each of the six weeks of the study. Their well-being increased by an impressive 40%.

Lyubomirsky, Sheldon and Schkade (2005) suggest the reason for the difference is that a single act of kindness each day doesn't make an appreciable difference to the everyday routine, especially as these were only small acts.

3. Practicing gratitude.

...the third activity that has shown promise in increasing happiness: practicing gratitude. A study conducted by Emmons and McCullough (2003) found that sitting down weekly to write about five things we are grateful for increased happiness levels by 25%.

This PsyBlog was interesting and again shows how important gratitude plays in our day to day life. It is practicing gratitude that makes everything come together.

A quick way to get started, is to write down 5 things you're thankful for. Pick a time each day (i.e. before bedtime) to take a few minutes and write down an additional 5 things that you're thankful for. This proven practice helps in all areas of your life. It will strengthen you image of yourself, it will make you more aware of others and most importantly, it will make you appreciate all the good things in your life. It will be here, that you will find the true happiness of your life.

For more information on the life changing power of gratitude, check out www.happinessandpeace.com


--------------------------
Thanks to PsyBlog and their following references for their insights.
http://www.spring.org.uk/2007/11/3-happiness-enhancing-activities-with.php

Lyubomirsky, S., Sheldon, K. M., & Schkade, D. (2005). Pursuing happiness: The architecture of sustainable change. Review of General Psychology, 9, 111-131.

Sheldon, K. M., & Lyubomirsky, S. (2007). Is it possible to become happier? (And if so, how?). Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 1, 1-17.

Dickerhoof, R., Lyubomirsky, S., & Sheldon, K. M. (2007). How and why do intentional activities work to boost well-being?: An experimental longitudinal investigation of regularly practicing optimism and gratitude. Manuscript under review.

Emmons, R. A., & McCullough, M. E. (2003). Counting blessings versus burdens: An experimental investigation of gratitude and subjective well-being in daily life. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 84(2), 377-389

King, L. A. (2001). The health benefits of writing about life goals. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 27, 798-807